15 Stand-Up Jokes and Killer Quotes to Rev Up Your Snark Engine
These comedians on their most earnest day, make you — at peak snark — look like Steve Irwin. So much so that you’re gonna need eight hours of Bob Ross to recover from the snark you’re about to read.
Groucho Marx’s Eloquent Way of Saying GTFO
“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room, and I think it’s you.”
Frank Carson’s Friend Cannot Be Allowed to Own Dogs
“There was an advert in the paper saying, ‘Boxer dogs for sale,’ and a member of my golf club rang up and asked, ‘How many dogs are in a box?’”
Gilbert Gottfried Said There’s No Such Thing as an Original Idea (Derogatory)
“No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.”
George Burns Was American History
“I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid, there was so little of it.”
Mike Birbigila on Sex (and Pizza)
“Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.”
Les Dawson’s Message to a Cold Audience
“I know the act smells, but I’m right on top of it and you don’t hear me complain.”
Margaret Cho on Quitting Drugs
“I love drugs, but I hate hangovers, and the hatred of the hangover wins by a landslide every time.”
Nick Swardson on Quitting Drugs Cold Turkey
“I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I don’t know if anybody’s ever done that, but that’s, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldn’t believe it. They were like, ‘What? You quit? You’re done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.’”
Harry Hill’s Poetic Mother’s Day Card
“My mother was a lollipop lady — and by that, I mean she had a long thin body, and a big, fat, sticky head.”
Mike Birbiglia on Language Barriers
“I’m Italian. Sometimes people come up to me, and they’ll be like, ‘In Italy, it’s pronounced ‘Bir-Bee-Lya.’’ And I’m like, ‘In America, you’re annoying.’”
Jack Benny on His Bona Fide Stradivarius Fiddle
“It’s a real Strad. If it isn’t, I’m out $110. The reason I got it so cheap is that it’s one of the few Strads made in Japan.”
Henry Youngman on American Health Care
“My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, ‘Cough!’”
Robin Williams Had a Similar Take On Wallets and Gonads
“Ah yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning ‘to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.’”
Don’t Ask Groucho Marx to Write You a Blurb
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
Gilbert Gottfried on Proof of Sin
“How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?”