14 Killer Comedic Moments From Non-Comedies
As a deranged author once typed over and over and over, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
The Pursuit of Happyness: Christopher Jr.’s Life Lesson
“One day, a man was drowning in the water, and a boat came by and said, ‘Do you need any help?’ He said, ‘No thank you, God will save me.’ Then another boat came by and said, ‘Do you need any help?’, and he said, ‘No thank you, God will save me.’ Then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then he said, ‘God, why didn’t you save me?’ And God said, ‘I sent you two big boats, you dummy!’”
Mary Poppins: Uncle Albert’s Bummer-Ass Anecdote
Uncle Albert: Let me see… I have the very thing. Yesterday, when the lady next door answered the door, there was a man there, and the man said to the lady, “I’m terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat.”
(Jane and Michael’s happiness-fuelled floatation session comes to an end.)
Jane: Oh, that is sad.
Michael: The poor cat.
Uncle Albert: And the man said, “I’d like to replace your cat.” And the lady said, “That’s alright with me, but how are you with catching mice?”
Bicentennial Man: Robin Williams Is a Comedy King, Even as an Android
“Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”
Jurassic Park: A Moment of Levity While Waiting to Be Assassinated by Dinosaurs
Tim: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Dr. Alan Grant: I don’t know — what do you call a blind dinosaur?
Tim: Do-you-think-he-saurus. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
Dr. Alan Grant: You got me.
Tim: A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex
Lost: A Clever Nurse STUNS Michael With a DEVASTATING Twist on a Banal Joke
Nurse: What’s black and white and red all over?
Michael: Yeah, a newspaper, right?
Nurse: A penguin with a sunburn.
The Crow: Brandon Lee Delivering a Zinger Amongst a Hail of Gunfire
Draven: Stop me if you heard this one — Jesus Christ walks into a hotel.
(Draven gets shot.)
Draven: Ow! He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks…
(Draven gets shot again.)
Draven: “Can you put me up for the night?”
Desperado: Quentin Tarantino’s Monologue
“This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, ‘Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I’m gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop.’ The bartender looks. I mean, we’re talking, like, this glass is like a good 10 feet away. He says, ‘Now wait, let me get this straight. You’re tryin’ to tell me you’ll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?’ Customer looks up and says, ‘That’s right.’ Bartender says, ‘Young man, you got a bet.’
“And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he pisses all over the place, man. He’s pissin’ on the bar. He’s pissin’ on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He’s pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he’s laughing his fuckin’ ass off. He’s $300 richer.
“Guy goes, ‘Excuse me just one little second.’ Goes in the back of the bar. In the back, there’s a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them, comes back to the bar and goes, ‘Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300.’ And the bartender’s like, ‘What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!’
“The guy says, ‘Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you’d be happy.’”
Catch Me if You Can: Tom Hanks’ Comedic Pinnacle
Carl Hanratty: Knock-knock.
Earl Amdursky: Who’s there?
Carl Hanratty: Go fuck yourselves.
Good Will Hunting: Minnie Driver’s Inappropriate Joke
“There’s an old couple in bed — Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning of their 50th anniversary. And Mary looks over and gazes adoringly at Paddy. She’s like, ‘Aw, Jesus, Paddy. You’re such a good-lookin’ feller. I love you. I want to give you a little present. Anything your little heart desires, I’m going to give it to ya. What would you like?’
“And Paddy’s like, ‘Aw, gee, Mary, that’s a very sweet offer. Now, in 50 years, there’s one thing that’s been missing. I would like you to give me a blow job. I would like one.’
“And Mary’s like, ‘All right.’ She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass, and she gives him a blow job. And afterwards, Paddy’s like, ‘Ah, geez, now THAT’s what I’ve been missin’. That was the most beautiful, earth-shatterin’ thing ever. Beautiful Mary, I love ya! Is there anything that I can do for you?’ And Mary looks up at him and she goes (letting beer spill out of her mouth): ‘Give us a kiss!’”
The Sopranos: Bobby and Tony’s “Who’s on First?” Moment
Bobby: Mom started going downhill after the World Trade Center. You know Quasimodo predicted all this.
Tony: Who did what?
Bobby: All these problems — the Middle East, the end of the world.
Tony: Nostradamus. Quasimodo’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Bobby: Oh right. Notre Damus.
Tony: Nostradamus, and Notre Dame. Two different things completely.
Bobby: It’s interesting though, they’d be so similar, isn’t it? And I always thought okay, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and halfback of Notre Dame.
Tony: One’s a fucking cathedral.
Bobby: Obviously. I know, I’m just saying. It’s interesting, the coincidence. What you’re gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?
Tony: No!
Game of Thrones: Salladhor Saan’s Pirate Joke
Salladhor Saan: The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt.” The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, “Two pirate ships!” The crew is shivering like scared mice. But the courageous captain hollers, “Bring me my red shirt!” After the battle, the first mate asks, “Captain, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replies, “So that if I am stabbed, you will not see me bleed.” The next morning the lookout screams, “Ten pirate ships! We are surrounded!” The crew goes silent. They all look to their brave captain, waiting for his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain bellows…
Sex Workers: “Bring me my brown pants!”
Stranger Things: The Duffer Brothers Cop to How Ridiculous Their Entire Premise Is
Max asks El the question we were all wondering: How in the hell did she get into her mind? El gives it to her straight, which doesn’t clear anything up.
Max: How?!
El: I piggybacked from a pizza dough freezer.
Max: …What?!
Better Call Saul: Bob Odenkirk’s Deadpan Brings a Dash of Comedy That Seems Impossible for a Crime Drama
Cop: What the hell is a “squat cobbler”?
Saul: It’s when a man sits in pie. He sits in a pie, and he he wiggles around. Technically, he does a “crybaby squat,” so there’s tears, which makes it specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry.
Game of Thrones: Tyrion’s Unfinished Brothel Joke
“I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”
Tyrion keeps starting this joke, but never gets to finish it. One Redditor believes they may know the intended anecdote:
(Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.)
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what’s with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well, she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's not so bad, eh?
Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!