15 Jokes From Stand-Up Comics to Plaster on the Inside of Your Skull Like Band Stickers in a Bathroom Stall
By the time you’re 30, there should be a 6-inch thick plaque of jokes on the inside of your skull.
Doug Stanhope on the War on Drugs
“There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”
Charlie Brooker on Bill O’Reilly
“Sitting there pulling a face like a tortoise that’s learned to enjoy the stink of its own farts.”
Sara Pascoe on Entering Into a Relationship for the Right Reasons
“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.”
Sarah Millican on Stress Relief During the Holidays
“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries, because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming… so am I.”
Gary Delaney, Sex Educator
“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’”
Important Context for Billy Connolly’s Joke Here: ‘Bollocks’ = ‘Testicles’
“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s bollocks.”
Frankie Boyle’s Got a Zinger for Any Sportsball Anti-Enthusiasts Out There
“Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.”
Jimmy Carr Experiences Empathy on a Level You Can’t Imagine
“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week, and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed.’ I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?’”
Katherine Ryan on the Daily Adventure of Checking Twitter’s Trending Page
“Ed Miliband was trending on Twitter, but so was Kim Kardashian’s arse. I don’t know about you, but I know which one I’d rather watch eating a bacon sandwich.”
Michael McIntyre on Fatherhood
“You never love your children more than when they’re unconscious, but still breathing.”
Russell Howard Has Discovered a Way to Salvage J.K. Rowling’s Literature From the Rubble of Her Legacy
“You don’t need a theme park to have fun with Harry Potter. This is for free — change the word ‘wand’ for ‘wang’ and you can have a terrific time. I have an example for you: ‘Are you okay?’ said Harry. ‘My wang,’ said Ron, ‘look at my wang!’ It had snapped in two. The tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters.”
Sarah Millican Takes the Scenic Route to Describe an ‘Acquaintance’
“I’ve got a friend. Actually, she’s not a friend. She’s a friend of a friend. I’m sure we all have those people. You know, you wouldn’t invite her to your house, but you don’t want her to die.”
Ricky Gervais’ Unique Take on Manifesting
“If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.”
Stewart Lee Found Out His Biological Father Was Scottish
“It made sense because as a child, I hated the English but harbored secret cravings for offal, shortbread and heroin. Deep-fried heroin if I could get it.”
Anthony Jeselnik’s Depressing Self-Care Routine
“I hate when I’m masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I’m about to cum, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.”