15 Stand-Up Jokes to Avada Kedavra Your Blues Away
J.K. Rowling’s grotesque opinions and absurdly overrated writing aside, you gotta hand it to her: she came up with “the killing curse.” Avada Kedavra. A novel device found nowhere else in all of fiction. A character can simply point a long stick at something, and with the slightest twitch of a muscle, kill it instantly — okay, you know what? That’s just a gun. She invented a magic gun.
Wow, she really is just the lamest person on Earth.
Andy Field on Intrusive Hospitality
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“I asked for a wake-up call at a hotel, and they said, ‘You’re a drug addict, and you’re killing yourself.’”
Dave Barry Says Parents Make the Worst Parents
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”
Sketch Comedy Group Just These Please Is Sick of These Woke Policies Being Shoved Down Our Throats
“At Glastonbury this year, a man offered me a ‘hardcore breakfast’: Corn Flakes but with vodka instead of milk and ketamine instead of sugar on top. How disgusting is that? A vegan breakfast.”
Bill Bailey Passed the Bechdel Test
“Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonized a male-dominated joke format!’”
Charlie Brooker on Nigel Farage
“The human equivalent of a pop-up advert you just can’t click away.”
Glenn Moore Gets His Work Ethic From His Father
“In his job, my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.”
Joe Jacobs Almost Canceled Himself
“My doctor said to refer to my nervous breakdown as an episode. To be honest, it was more like a season finale.”
Milo McCabe Sums Up British Life: Drunk and Wet…
“British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.”
An Etymology Lesson From the Scummy Mummies Show
“Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning Sunday, and keya, meaning ‘fucking ruined.’”
Sam Morrison Has a Strong Argument
“Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theater. That’s like a fat camp using Korean barbecue.”
Glenn Moore Respects His Elders
“I’ve learnt that saying ‘Oh, this old thing?’ isn’t an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.”
Ivo Graham Can’t Decide on His Own
“Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.”
Russell Howard Believes the Golden Rule Applies to Christmas, Too
“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie. You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A butt plug? Same here!’”
Phyllis Diller’s Plan for Retirement
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
Peter Kay’s Handy Advice
“Sex is like playing Bridge — if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”