15 Grade-A Certified Hilarious Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians
We built a little shed out back, and we keep a whole roster of top-tier comedians perched in there. Here are some of the best jokes they’ve honked out of their cloacas this morning…
Paula Poundstone on the Loaded Small Talk We All Make With Kids
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”
Kate Davis on How to Insulate Yourself From Identity Theft
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”
Regrets? Nick Helm Has Had a Few
“I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.”
Eleanor Tiernan’s Productivity Hack
“Life Hack: When too tired to do all the things on your To Do list, try a To Don’t list. Simply write all the things you’re not going to do, and then, don’t do them. Huge sense of achievement with none of the effort.”
Christopher MacArthur-Boyd Is Thwarted Yet Again by a Paywall
“I’ve seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately, it was behind a paywall. I’ll never know.”
Tim Vine, Trend Forecaster
“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
Jack Dee Has One Weird Trick to Save Thousands on Insurance
“The other night, this salesman phoned up and started banging on and on about buying car insurance. I’m not interested anyway. I don’t even have car insurance, because I’m a careful driver.”
Bill Bailey Understands That It Takes a Village
“I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a nonviolent way, in the laundry or the catering department.”
Mitch Hedberg on Why, Perhaps, Dogs Are So Jacked
“Dogs are forever in the push-up position.”
Doug Stanhope Knows Marketing Is Important, But It Can Only Take You So Far
“If you have a good product, you don’t need to advertise. You’ve done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?”
Steven Wright’s Friend Sally Is Deeply Embedded in the Counterculture
“My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.”
Demetri Martin Met a Very Special Lady
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, ‘If you need anything, I’m Jill.’ I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
Erma Bombeck’s Invisible Labor
“It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.”
Milton Jones Is Getting Mixed Signals
“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not.”
Bo Burnham Knows Every Relationship Is a Two-Way Street
“No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.”