14 Historical Jokes That Haven’t Lost Their Luster
Comedy wasn’t invented when Sacha Baron Cohen uttered his first “my wife!” In fact, it’s been around for dozens, maybe even hundreds of years. Here are a few old jokes to prove it…
Husbands Have Had Stink Breath for Centuries
“A husband with bad breath asks his wife, ‘My dear, why do you hate me?’ She gives him an answer: ‘Because you kiss me.’”
Oscar Wilde Said to Lean In
When a confidant said “There’s a conspiracy against me, what should I do?” Oscar Wilde responded, “Join it.”
The OG ‘Take My Wife’ Joke
“A wife-hater is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died. When someone asks, ‘Who is it who rests in peace here?’, he answers, ‘Me, now that I’m rid of her!’”
Printed in ‘The Daily Milwaukee News’ in 1870
Two salesmen noticed a “very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it ‘drawed well’ whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws all the attention of all the d***** fools that pass this road.’”
You’d Think There’d Be Nothing Left to Pull
“A luckless eunuch got himself a hernia.”
Printed in ‘The Daily Phoenix’ in 1872
“A man said to a preacher, ‘That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original.’ The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.”
If You Give a Glutton a Daughter…
“A glutton is marrying his daughter off to another glutton. Asked what he’s giving her as a dowry, he responds, ‘She’s getting a house with windows that look out onto the bakery.’”
Printed in Prescott, Arizona’s ‘Weekly Journal-Miner’ in 1888
“There was a man whose last name was Rose. As a lark, he named his daughter Wild, with the happy conceit of having her called Wild Rose. But that sentiment was knocked out when the woman grew up to marry a man whose last name was Bull. “
Work Smarter, Not Harder
“Two lazy-bones are fast asleep. A thief comes in, pulls the blanket from the bed, and makes off with it. One of them is aware of what happened and says to the other, ‘Get up! Go after the guy who stole our blanket!’ The other responds, ‘Forget it. When he comes back to take the mattress, let’s grab him then.’”
This Poem Printed in the ‘Philadelphia Times’ in 1890
“Whatever troubles Adam had / No man could make him sore / By saying when he told a jest / ‘I’ve heard that joke before.’”
This Bit Walked So That ‘Who’s on First’ Could Run
“An incompetent teacher is asked the name of Priam’s mother. At a loss, he says, ‘Well, we call her Ma’am out of politeness.’”
Printed in ‘The Cincinnati Enquirer’ in 1896
“A fellow tells his ma that there are two holes in his trousers — and then tells her that’s where he puts his feet through.”
Socrates’ Version of ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Printed in ‘The Salt Lake Herald’ in 1899
“A man got up one morning and couldn’t find his alarm clock, so he asked his wife what had become of it. She said, ‘It went off at 6 o’clock.’”