15 Puns That Will Make You Mad at the Entire English Language
Everyone involved in this list and its contents — myself included — should be ashamed of themself. The English language should never be contorted into awful jokes like those you’re about to read. May God have mercy on your soul.
Beware the Dairy Bandit
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
Sam Richardson Tells One of His All-Time Favorite Jokes
“A guy walks into a bar and says… ‘Ouch.’”
You’ve Got a Point There
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
U.K. Pun Championship Winner Leo Kearse
“I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said ‘suture self.’”
And the Doctor Was a Woman
Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.
Me: And?
U.K. Pun Championship Winner Kev Mud
“I can’t go to the toilet without taking candles. I'm a party pooper.”
This One’s for the Well-Read Intellectuals
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
U.K. Pun Championship Winner Atilla the Pun
“I took my Spanish friend for a picnic at the weekend. He said, ‘Gracias!’ I said, “‘Yeah, I should have bought a blanket!’”
Only Buy Your Shoes from People You Know
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Craig Robinson Reveals His Favorite Pun
“Why’d the man get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.”
Can You Disprove This, Geologically?
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
An Unnamed Contestant Dropped This in the Inaugural Pun Championship in 2014
“My computer's got a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking”
En Francais
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, “Wii.”
Pun Champion Richard Pulsford
“I bought an impressionist painting of some flowers, but when I got back home, the cat scratched it. Now I’m trying to sell it as a Clawed Monet.”
Fine, This One Is a Little Funny
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.