15 Lovely One-Liner Jokes to Brighten Your Day
World got ya down? Feel like you’re not providing enough value for the stockholders? Have a gander at these 15 top-shelf one-liners, that should cheer ya right up!
David Letterman on Baseball
“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”
Gary Delaney on Allergies
“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”
Jack Whitehall on His Father
“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
Stewart Francis on His Current Fixation
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
Jerry Seinfeld on Second Place
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’”
Tim Vine on the Rise of Local Crime
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
Mitch Hedberg on Mall Infrastructure
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’”
Emo Philips on Leaving It Better Than You Found It
“I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
Stephen K. Amos on Love
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”
Gary Delaney on Pet Ownership
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
Chris Rock on Minimum Wage
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”
Paddy Lennox on an Age-Old Riddle
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’”
Zach Galifianakis on Acting His Age
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Phil Wang on His Ideal Woman
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue — completely pale, no arms.”
Steve Martin on His Ideal Woman
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”