15 Jokes From the Aughts It’s Still Okay to Laugh At
Man, the early 2000s were something, weren’t they? The phrase “streaming wars” made no sense to anyone, no one really believed the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe was actually going to happen and many of your favorite comedians had yet to be publicly outed as monsters. Life was grand!
Comedy Clubs Still Love That Brick Background, Just Like in Mitch Hedberg’s Fairy Tale
“Now let me ask you this, why do you think there is a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy. All the old clubs had straw in the back. But the wolf would have a bad set, and would huff and puff and fuck shit up. Then we went to the sticks. And once again, he huffed and puffed. And fucked shit up. Now we’re at bricks, and the wolf can’t do shit. That’s The Improv fairy tale.”
Mitch in ‘Old School’ Described a Polycule Long Before Every Dude in Brooklyn
“True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double team your girlfriend.”
‘Scrubs’ Showed That It’s Normal to Desperately Want Your Peers to Think You’re Strong and Cool, At Any Age
Turk: Who are these guys?
JD: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don’t realize I suck at basketball. So here’s what’s gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot, so when we go to pick teams, I’m gonna hit that shot. Then you say, “I’ll pick that guy,” at which point Carla is gonna page me, and I’ll say “Crap, I’ve gotta go.” And you’ll go, “Damn, we just lost the best player out here.” And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I’m good at sports and word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
JD: Between these thoughts.
Scott’s Amateur Discourse in ‘EuroTrip’ with a German Local Could Just as Easily Happen to an Overconfident Duolingo Subscriber
Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
Truck Driver: Hello!
Scott: (in German) My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck Driver: (in German) German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight, and I haven’t slept in three days and I am wired on Schnapps, benzedrine and those little chocolate-covered peanuts.
Scott: (in German) Do you know where is Berlin?
Truck Driver: (in German) Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Scott: Berlin! He’s going to Berlin.
Jamie: Awesome.
Truck Driver: (in German) Nowhere near Berlin.
Scott: All right, come on, let's go.
(They all get in the back of the truck.)
Truck Driver: (in German) I’ll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
Demetri Martin Foresaw the Bizarre Vanity of Selfie Culture a Year Before the iPhone Was Unveiled
“I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately. Just like, ‘Look at us. We’re so young. Standing right there, wow. Where does the minute go?’”
Jason Bateman Plays the Ultimate Airhead Foil in ‘Dodgeball’
Cotton McKnight: I’m being told that Average Joe’s does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.
Liz Lemon Knew When to Throw in the Towel on Her Love Life in ‘30 Rock’
“I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and bought a cemetery plot.”
Brian Regan Leaves the ‘Baby on Board’ Bait Alone, and Absolutely Toasts Some Show Horses
“I was driving today, and I came upon a truck, pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back: ‘Caution: Transporting Show Horses.’ ‘Oh, 10 and 2! We’re sharin’ the road with show horses! If I start to lose control, I’ll hit one of these cars with people! Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!’ What are you supposed to do in a spin-out? ‘Don’t hit the show horses! Anything but the show horses!’ Then I came up on another truck pulling a trailer with a sign on the back: ‘Don’t Worry, Just Dumb Old Donkeys.’ I was crossing over the line. Boom, boom, boom. ‘Hee-haw!’ Boom. Who cares? Just dumb old donkeys. They refuse to apply themselves.”
You Could Make an Entire Symphony Out of ‘Arrested Development’s One-Note Characters
Tobias Fünke: So, what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The “Bob Loblaw Law Blog.” You, sir, are a mouthful.
Rap Has Only Evolved to Become Weirder Since Chris Rock Delivered This One
“I love rap music, but I’m tired of defending it. You gotta defend rap music, ‘cause people always go, ‘That’s not music, that’s not art. How can you listen to that garbage? How can you listen to that trash?’ In the old days, it was easy to defend rap music. It was easy to defend it on an intellectual level. You could break it down intellectually why Grandmaster Flash was art, why Run DMC was art, why Whodini was art. And I love all the rappers today, but it’s hard to defend this shit. It’s hard, man, it’s hard to defend, ‘I got hoes in different area codes.’ On an intellectual level. It’s hard to defend ‘Move, bitch, get out the way.’ Well, as you can see, there’s a bitch in his way. Now he needs to move. Thus the term, ‘Move, bitch, get out the way.’”
Saul and Dale Looking on the Bright Side in ‘Pineapple Express’
Saul: I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day.
Dale: Hey, you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.
Saul: Hey, you’re right. Hey, thanks man.
Jim Jefferies Predicted Death Panels a Year Before the Controversy Around Obamacare (Only, in His Telling, They’re Swedish and Strictly Aesthetic)
“The Swedish people are the best looking people I have seen in my entire life. I didn’t see one ugly fucker, the whole time I was there. I think they might be killing the ugly people. I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people; they’re doing it from birth. They’ll be like… a woman giving birth, there’ll be a doctor and an official guy in the corner. The doctor pulls the baby out, shows it to the official bloke. He goes: ‘No.’ The doctor gets the baby’s head, throws it in the corner, with all the other ugly, dead babies. And it’s such a rational breed, I don’t even think the woman would be upset. I think she would just be going, ‘Was it ugly, was it? Thank you for saving me from the shame. It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have had sex with a Scottish man.’”
Daniel Tosh Being Surprisingly Wholesome in 2007
“A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree. I don’t have a joke for that yet. But it is accurate and just in case you hate my stand-up at least you can leave going, ‘You know what? I learned something. That guy’s like a damn Snapple.’ Right? You might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top you’re, ‘Ohhh, the sun is hot! Forty-five million degrees Fahrenheit! It feels warmer. Tahoe’s west of L.A.? Bullshit, Snapple!’ Then I saw a globe and I’m like: ‘I’m sorry, Snapple. You are always right.’
Paul Rudd Is the Original Starbucks Karen in ‘Role Models’
Barista: Good morning! Can I take your order?
Beth: Can I get a tall chai?
Danny: And a large black coffee.
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Beth: He means a venti. Yeah, the biggest one you’ve got.
Barista: Venti means large.
Danny: No. Venti means “twenty.”
Beth: Danny…
Danny: Yeah. “Large” is large. In fact, “tall” is large, and “grande” is Spanish for large. “Venti” is the only one that doesn’t mean large. It’s also the only one that’s Italian. Congratulations! You’re stupid in three languages.
Barista: Look, dick, venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Oh, really? Says who, Fellini?
Beth: How much is that? Here’s a ten.
Danny: Do you accept lire? Or is it all Euros now?
Blogging Used to Mean Something Back in ‘Party Down’s Heyday
Roman: People care what I think. I have a prestigious blog, sir.