15 Super Speedy Jokes to Lighten Your Mood and Send You on Your Way

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We all have stuff to do, so nobody feels like reading the Declaration of Independence just to crack a smile. Here then are some super quick setups and punchlines by some of the best to ever do it…

Bob Saget Puts Things in Perspective

“Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic, just a horrible drinker.”

I Don’t Think Joan Rivers Would Mind Us Saying It’s Truer Today Than Ever Before

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

Anthony Jeselnik Appreciates His Pops

“My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.”

Natasha Leggero Believes We May Have Tapped a Finite Resource

“Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to accommodate all these singing shows.”

Let Bill Hicks Run D.A.R.E.

“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”

George Carlin Has Your New Mantra If You’re Struggling to Find Motivation

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

Doug Stanhope on Leaving It All Out on the Field

“I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.”

Iliza Shlesinger Has a Conspiracy Theory We Can Believe In

“I’m not even 1,000 percent sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, ‘cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what’s your fucking point?”

Jim Gaffigan on Family Dynamics

“I’m from a very large family — nine parents.”

Rodney Dangerfield on Hereditary Haplessness

“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”

If You’re in the Market for a New Hobby, Steven Wright Has a Pitch

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

Gary Gulman on Cultural Appropriation

“The definition of the word nerd has changed. It’s now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.”

Norm Macdonald on Keeping Your Relationship Fresh

“My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don't even have sex, either. We just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.”

Bo Burnham’s Love Language Is Misdirection

“I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary.”

Demetri Martin Highlights a Major Pitfall of ‘Doing Your Own Research’

“I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up ‘dictionary.’ It said, ‘You’re an asshole.’”

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