15 Funny Jokes From History That Still Have Juice
Humankind has been crafting dirty jokes about making love and breaking wind for as long as we’ve had language. Our brains are hardwired for it. Case in point: Take a look at some of these naughty quips that span millennia…
The 1900 B.C. Sumerian Zinger, Thought to Be the Oldest Joke Ever Deciphered
“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial… A young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
A joke from 13th-Century Joke Book ‘Philogelos’
“Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said: ‘I’ve had a great loss! Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.’”
Even More ‘Philogelos’
“Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: ‘In silence.’”
Cicero Dunking on His Son-in-Law, Seeing the Short Many Carrying a Big Sword
“Who tied my son-in-law to that long sword?”
Benjamin Franklin Trolling the Hoity-Toity Royal Academy of Brussels When Asked to Contribute Scientific Research
“Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, & of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind… That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.”
Yet More from ‘Philogelos’
“A witty student sold his books when he was short of money. He then wrote to his father: ‘Congratulate me, father, I am already making money from my studies!’”
This Yo Mama Joke from About 60 B.C.
“The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked, ‘Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?’
“‘No, your Highness,’ the man replied, ‘but my father was.’”
A Couple of Early Astronauts Havin’ a Little Fun, Reporting a UFO Sighting Just Before Christmas
“I see a command module and eight smaller modules in front. The pilot of the command module is wearing a red suit.”
This Brutal Nuking of an Egyptian pharaoh from Around 1600 B.C.
“How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.”
16th-Century Catholic Poet Anthony Copley Wrote This Saucy Little Zinger
“A gentleman taking his leave of his mistress said, ‘I kiss your hands and your feet.’ She answered, ‘Forget not, I pray, the station between.’”
This Sumerian Brainteaser from 1200 B.C.
“Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went.
“In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf, which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?”
This Ancient Egyptian Joke About Men’s Sexual Appetite
“Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey. His purse is what restrains him.”
Winston Churchill, When Called Upon by the Lord Privy Seal (An Actual Government Official)
“Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I am sealed in the privy and can only deal with one shit at a time.”
Martin Luther Getting Right to the Point When Describing His Depression
“I am ripe shit, so is the world a great wide (butt)hole; eventually we will part.”
The Pope’s Own Secretary Wrote This Filthy Short Story in the 15th Century
“In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of being delivered. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her private parts, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. ‘Look also on the other side,’ said the poor creature. ‘My husband has sometimes taken that road.’”