15 Funny One-Liners That Are Just Pure Laughs
These one-liners have been refined in a 30-step process to remove all comedic impurities. No context, no chuffah, just high-grade punchline after high-grade punchline. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Bo Burnham on U.S. History
“One out of 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.”
Gary Gulman’s Fond Childhood Memory
“I was born when my dad was 50. It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, and we were both getting discounts.”
Norm Macdonald’s Childhood Sounds Worse Than Gulman’s
“I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Playing Hard to Get
“One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.”
Mitch Hedberg Lived Life on His Own Terms
“I fuckin’ hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like, ‘Fuck you, I ain’t going that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end!’”
Iliza Shlesinger on Girl Power
“You can’t go to the bathroom alone; you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.”
John Mulaney on Aging
“I’m like an iPhone. It’s going to be worse versions of this, every year. Plus, I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.”
Taylor Tomlinson on Vetting Who She Sleeps With
“I call it the Gobstopper Test. I go, ‘Oh, I’m not ready. Is that okay?’ He’s like, ‘Totally fine. No worries at all.’ I’m like, ‘Charlie, you won! You did it. I knew you could, my boy! Now, come inside my chocolate factory. It’s all for you.’”
Demetri Martin, King of the One-Word Punchline
“I need to develop some patience — immediately.”
Steven Wright Pulling Off the Rare Zero-Word Punchline
“What’s another word for ‘Thesaurus’?”
Sarah Silverman Roasting Britney Spears, But Feel Free to Apply This to Any Precocious Overachievers in Your Life
“Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old, and she's already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life.”
Rodney Dangerfield on His Long Lineage of Indignity
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!”
Mitch Hedberg on Regret
“I told the crowd last night to fuck off. But then I felt bad, so I said ‘Alright, fuck back on.’”
Ali Wong on the Miracle of Breastfeeding
“Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony — no, it’s not like that at all. Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.”
Bo Burnham Is Talking About Other Lists of Quotes, Not This One
“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”