15 Very Funny Jokes for A Lazy Sunday

If you were really committed to a lazy Sunday, you wouldn’t even entertain the idea of reading. But you’ve already read this headline, and now you’re halfway through the introductory paragraph, so you might as well try to finish this whole list of top-tier bits from your favorite comedians.

If you’re on the weekend grind, know that Mitch Hedberg would be grinding with you. “I got a door deal here, I’m working for 50 percent of the door and then tomorrow I’m working for 50 percent of the door and then on Sunday... I’m gonna have a door.”

Laying around with your significant other? Run this Wanda Sykes marriage metaphor by them. That should spice up your day. “As soon as you say ‘I do,’ you’ll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.”

Leslie Jones reminds us why we have 11 missed calls and 6 voicemails today. “Guess what else a Black person invented? Caller I.D. and call waiting. Yes, It was invented by Dr. Shirley Jackson. Somebody should have called Shirley back. Because she invented a way to make you call her back. She wasn’t even in tech. She was just a chick who wanted Charles to pick up the phone.”

If you’re trying to have a productive day, remember this tip from Gary Gulman. “The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you’re talented.”

If you’re looking for some light feminist reading, Michelle Wolf has you covered. “I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders? Is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s ‘Uncle Tom’ but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.”

Didn’t get that Employee of the Week, Month or Year recognition you were hoping for? Let Demetri Martin put it in perspective. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

Maybe go outside and appreciate nature, like our friend Kyle Kinane. “Now, I’m not a God-fearing man, but if I was going to believe in something, it would be the moment in which you’re staring at a waterfall alone and going, ‘Oh man, whoever created this, that’s their tapestry cascading over their own creation, and this is amazing.’ But there’s always going to be a voice that says, ‘Hey Kyle, what if waterfalls are just rivers trying to kill themselves?’”

Or spend the day inside, like John Mulaney wishes he did. “Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They’ll be like, ‘Hey, look at that high-waisted man. He got feminine hips.’”

Either way, don’t forget to hydrate (like Jim Gaffigan). “When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, ‘Bottled water! Ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it. Ahh, this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.’”

If you’re nursing a hangover, don’t worry, so is Kevin Hart. “Whoever invented liquor should be shot dead immediately, hangovers are the worst. I swear it feels like a very fat baby is kicking me repeatedly in the head.”

If you’re generally under the weather, here’s a wellness tip from Bo Burnham. “Laughter is the best medicine. You know, besides medicine.”

Fighting off the Sunday Scaries? So is Aparna Nancherla, at all times. “Shout out to waking up with anxiety from a problem within a dream reality that doesn’t exist.”

Try relaxing with a little yoga, like Brian Regan. “I thought yoga was easy. I went out, and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners’ yoga tape. I couldn’t do anything on the whole hour — nothing — just fast-forwarding: can’t do that, can’t do that, I know I can’t do that. This woman in a soothing voice: ‘Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.’”

If you’re not going to church today, don’t worry, neither is Maria Bamford. “I don’t know if I believe in God because I don’t like the idea of some Touched By an Angel angels sitting up there making decisions like, ‘I’m gonna put you in a paralyzing diving accident so you can inspire people with watercolors you paint with your feet. I’m gonna kill your mother so that you’re more friendly at work. I’m going to put you through a really crappy childhood so then when you’re 42, and you’ve been through drug and alcohol rehab, you can give strength and hope to someone else who’s been through a really crappy childhood that I put them in, because I am the Lord!”

Take Tig Notaro’s advice and bone up on your small talk before you have to go back to the office. “Seems like it’s really popular these days to say things like, ‘Ugh, that grossed me out. I just threw up a little in my mouth,’ or ‘You’re so funny. I just peed a little.’ And it’s like, you’re a gross person. Why don’t you pull yourself together, and then rejoin polite society after you’ve cleaned yourself up a bit? When you say those things, you cause me to shed my uterine lining.”